The taxi ride of all taxi rides

We all have had those creepy and uncomfortable taxi rides, the ones we hope end quickly and painlessly. Often, these rides are uncomfortable because we ride in complete silence. Or, they're uncomfortable because the taxi driver speaks with a thick accent and we're not quite sure if, when or how we should respond to his queries. The cab driver may even make a feeble attempt to hit on us. While I'm not denying these are definitely uncomfortable situations, none of them come close to topping tonight's cab ride home from the Fort McMurray airport.



After selecting the second minivan in a long line outside the airport and explaining my destination to the nice man in the driver's seat, I was feeling quite good about my choice. That is, until I made a fateful mistake: I chose to sit in the front seat. My holiday-filled luggage took up too much of the back seat.



The ride started off pleasantly as we exchanged views on everything from rent in Fort McMurray, to the price of oil, to the cost of commercial real estate in town. Then, it headed down a path I didn't foresee. And, after several attempts to steer the conversational wheels back on to the pavement, it came to a very creepy end. Here's the short version:

1. Cab driver asks what nationality I am...tells me I have pretty eyes.


2. Lanette thanks cab driver and briefly explains she's a 'mutt' and rarely gets through a week without being asked where she "comes from"


3. Cab driver asks if Lanette has family in Fort McMurray


4. Lanette makes large error in explaining her boyfriend and house are in Calgary and that she will be spending about a week a month down in the city and three weeks a month here in FOrt McMurray


5. Cab driver seems shocked and Lanette feels those conversational wheels heading toward the rumble strips as he says "Oh, that's hard. Being away from your boyfriend for 20 days...."


6. Judging the cab driver's tone, Lanette suspects the cab driver is talking about a certain nighttime loneliness


7. Cab driver confirms Lanette's suspicions when he dismisses her declaration that living with her sister helps.


8. Lanette tries unsuccessfully to steer the conversation by explaining that she "tries not to think about it"


9. Cab driver suggests Lanette may need a new boyfriend if she's up here for that long without her own.


10. Lanette responds by saying that while there are plenty of men in Fort McMurray, they may not always be of "dating" quality


11. Cab driver says a few more things before mumbling something about lesbians.


12. Lanette, feeling the wheels cross the rumble strips and head toward the ditch, says: "Noooo, no women for this girl"


13. Cab driver continues in the wayward direction. "I don't understand it. How do zay feel it?"


14. Lanette lets out a very uncomfortable laugh.


15. Cab driver then drops this beauty of a line: Unless they 69.


16. Lanette begins to panic on the inside and says "ummmm......I don't know.


17. Cab driver then decides it's an appropriate time to ask Lanette if she "likes 69."


18. Lanette is having a heart attack and says "Umm.....I don't know." This is her favourite line in the last three minutes of conversation.


19. Cab driver then says "Have you tried?"


20. Lanette spits out her favourite line of the night, followed by an even more uncomfortable laugh, and then says "This isn't normally a topic I discuss with taxi drivers."

One wrong turn later, the driver drops me off at my house and takes an unusually long time to process my credit card.


Tell me: how can a credit card be so "shiny" that one can't read the letters and requires the payee to spell out her name?


Now I am faced with the unnerving fact that this guy knows where I live.


I should have a great sleep tonight.