Judgey McJudgerson

Fine, I’ll admit it. I’m a judger.

Today, I’m in a particularly judgmental mood. This is mainly because I’ve been traveling for most of the day and am playing one of my favourite traveling games: Spot the Fort McMurray-destined passenger(s). I wish I could come up with a more succinct name for this game, but so far I’ve been SOL.




Since I moved to Fort McMurray last year, I’ve claimed that there is no place like it on earth. It has quirks and idiosyncrasies you won’t find anywhere else on the planet.

One of these odd-ball traits is the people it attracts.

After I teach you about the traits of a Fort McMurray-destined passenger, I guarantee you’ll be able to walk up and down any airport wing in Canada and identify the departure gate for Fort McMurray.

Drawing on my personal experience and the experience of my friends and colleagues, I’ve come up with he following list of items to help you pick out the people headed for Tar Sand Land.

1. Outerwear labeled with any of the following company names: Suncor, Syncrude, CNRL, Albian, LongLake and/or Total. Outerwear includes, but is not limited to, ball caps, jackets, golf shirts, hoodies, backpacks and/or toolboxes.

2. A triple denim combo (aka the 3D ensemble which likely includes jeans, shirt and jacket worn at the same time). In many cases the denim will be extremely light in colour (thank you to Jesse Hall for this submission...and for complaining when I didn't give full credit when I first posted).

3. Camo gear: while this is more likely to occur in the fall and winter months, it can also be spotted in the summer months.

4. Any piece of the aforementioned clothing paired with a motocross, ATV or Sledding magazine.

5. Steel-toed workboots with cargo shorts of any type. The boots are normally black, brown or tan in colour, cover the ankle and have a heavy sole.

6. Men with a slightly “dirty” appearance. These people will probably be wearing one or more pieces of the clothing outlined above and will look as though they could never quite be scrubbed clean, regardless of the number of showers they take.

7. Tattoos. Now you may be saying “that can hardly be a Fort McMurray identifier”. But, stay tuned my friends. You want to look for the ones that look like they were completed in maximum security prisons. They may have spelling mistakes or may not be legible due to blurred ink.

8. Lack of females (and old people). You can quickly spot the Fort McMurray departure gate by looking for the one with the highest ratio of males to females. In my experience, the ratio is typically 15 to 1, or more. The old person ratio is about 60 to 1.

9. A language that sounds like an awkward combination of Scottish, Irish and English and is extremely difficult to decipher. If you hear the word “Byes” or an alarming number of verbs ending in ‘s’, you have found the spot! At any Fort McMurray departure gate you will find a large number of Newfoundland-born travelers. Keep your ears tuned in for the following phrases: “I loves me some cod cheeks”, “Where you to?”, and “Whatta ya’at?”

10. And finally, the last thing that should help you spot the FMM-destined traveler: serious conversations about cold hard cash. The men will likely be trying to out-dollar one another by comparing hourly wage rates, the number of overtime hours they work and how much their last pay cheque added to their bank accounts.

Side note: Another trait that didn't quite make the list, but definitely deserves an honourable mention: mustaches.

Now that I’ve shared the secrets of the trade, I challenge you to head out to your local airport and spot the gate!

Other fun places to play: airport restaurants, check-in lines and flights you know connect to Fort McMurray flights.

Good luck!

The taxi ride of all taxi rides

We all have had those creepy and uncomfortable taxi rides, the ones we hope end quickly and painlessly. Often, these rides are uncomfortable because we ride in complete silence. Or, they're uncomfortable because the taxi driver speaks with a thick accent and we're not quite sure if, when or how we should respond to his queries. The cab driver may even make a feeble attempt to hit on us. While I'm not denying these are definitely uncomfortable situations, none of them come close to topping tonight's cab ride home from the Fort McMurray airport.



After selecting the second minivan in a long line outside the airport and explaining my destination to the nice man in the driver's seat, I was feeling quite good about my choice. That is, until I made a fateful mistake: I chose to sit in the front seat. My holiday-filled luggage took up too much of the back seat.



The ride started off pleasantly as we exchanged views on everything from rent in Fort McMurray, to the price of oil, to the cost of commercial real estate in town. Then, it headed down a path I didn't foresee. And, after several attempts to steer the conversational wheels back on to the pavement, it came to a very creepy end. Here's the short version:

1. Cab driver asks what nationality I am...tells me I have pretty eyes.


2. Lanette thanks cab driver and briefly explains she's a 'mutt' and rarely gets through a week without being asked where she "comes from"


3. Cab driver asks if Lanette has family in Fort McMurray


4. Lanette makes large error in explaining her boyfriend and house are in Calgary and that she will be spending about a week a month down in the city and three weeks a month here in FOrt McMurray


5. Cab driver seems shocked and Lanette feels those conversational wheels heading toward the rumble strips as he says "Oh, that's hard. Being away from your boyfriend for 20 days...."


6. Judging the cab driver's tone, Lanette suspects the cab driver is talking about a certain nighttime loneliness


7. Cab driver confirms Lanette's suspicions when he dismisses her declaration that living with her sister helps.


8. Lanette tries unsuccessfully to steer the conversation by explaining that she "tries not to think about it"


9. Cab driver suggests Lanette may need a new boyfriend if she's up here for that long without her own.


10. Lanette responds by saying that while there are plenty of men in Fort McMurray, they may not always be of "dating" quality


11. Cab driver says a few more things before mumbling something about lesbians.


12. Lanette, feeling the wheels cross the rumble strips and head toward the ditch, says: "Noooo, no women for this girl"


13. Cab driver continues in the wayward direction. "I don't understand it. How do zay feel it?"


14. Lanette lets out a very uncomfortable laugh.


15. Cab driver then drops this beauty of a line: Unless they 69.


16. Lanette begins to panic on the inside and says "ummmm......I don't know.


17. Cab driver then decides it's an appropriate time to ask Lanette if she "likes 69."


18. Lanette is having a heart attack and says "Umm.....I don't know." This is her favourite line in the last three minutes of conversation.


19. Cab driver then says "Have you tried?"


20. Lanette spits out her favourite line of the night, followed by an even more uncomfortable laugh, and then says "This isn't normally a topic I discuss with taxi drivers."

One wrong turn later, the driver drops me off at my house and takes an unusually long time to process my credit card.


Tell me: how can a credit card be so "shiny" that one can't read the letters and requires the payee to spell out her name?


Now I am faced with the unnerving fact that this guy knows where I live.


I should have a great sleep tonight.